A hike in Texas that's 'better 'n all git out'

Published: 08/19/2022 19:20:52 Modified: 08/19/2022 19:17:26 Well, Howdy Pahdnah, a while ago I wanted to go to Texas. Pretty ...

Published: 08/19/2022 19:20:52

Modified: 08/19/2022 19:17:26

Well, Howdy Pahdnah, a while ago I wanted to go to Texas. Pretty much all I knew about this part of the country was that it was warmer and more bubbly in the woolens. I also knew that Ted Cruz (pronounced “cruise”, sort of) was one of their senators who could say things, then light a nickel and give you some change. He would then jump on you with all four feet. Come to think of it, most of them in this room do too.

I also recently became aware that Uvalde is a town in this state – ’nuff said. To say the least, this information is not very appealing. The question you could and should be asking yourself is, why would I want to pack my bags and head out to the prairie? I’ll come to the answer at the end of this article because I like to end on a positive note.

I was pretty sure that I would need a visa to be admitted to Texas territory, but the rangers assured me that it was not necessary. I had read that it was hard to travel these days – kinda like putting socks on a rooster. As a public service I decided to tell you about my beach hike and some of the advice I was given such as: keep it simple – don’t go and dig up more snakes than you can kill – with COVID around and rarer hourly flights ‘n hens’ teeth. I picked up my saddlebags and headed out into the great outdoors. I had gone to visit relatives.

You see, my son was driving his herd through the Lone Star State to settle in Albuquerque, New Mexico. We met in the Texas Hill Country between Austin and San Antone. The trip was full of holes in the fence as expected. It was like hugging a rosebush. When you arrive in Austin, the first thing that strikes you is that it’s warmer in a honeymoon motel. It was north of 100 degrees every day. My son picked me up with his 121 horse Prius and escorted me to the ranch where we were staying for a while. The next morning I was dragged out of bed by a ruckius in the next room. (More on that later as well.)

I thought I might as well get out of the bag and explore the area. I walked out and two hoots ‘na holler away was a passel of deer and antelope playing – jes as the song says. I was happier ‘n all git out. After spending some time I went back to get some chuck and we all decided to go to nearby towns to visit a few. Our first stop was Gruene (pronounced “Green”, sort of). There were lots of cowboys and cowgirls on Main Street. Oops. Should I say cowboys? I would hate to offend. If I had said “cows” there, I would surely have been out of town on a rail faster and you could have shaken a stick.

I felt like a tender foot and set about buying myself a Stetson hat at the local haberdashery. If you ever wear one, be sure to cock it at the proper angle. You have to wear it with “attitude”. I’ll buy myself boots and a belt when the recession is over.

Then we headed to Boerne (pronounced ‘Born’, sort of.) It’s located a stone’s throw from a town you might have heard about recently on the wire: Uvalde. We settled into the local coffee shop – the Black Rifle Coffee Shop – to let some grass grow under our feet for a while. There were quite a few people, but not a soul inquired that this establishment also sold pistols and rifles—and silencers! (Did I already mention that this outpost was on Uvalde’s trail?) I was clearly going off the rails.

The next camp we went to was Lockhart – the famous barbecue capital of the world. We stopped at the world famous establishment that goes by the name of “Smitty’s”. I wondered what “world” they were referring to. It was on the ground floor of a building that was surely condemned, or should have been. The front door had a sign taped to it with big letters that said “NO FORKS”. Another sign read: “We kill one in three vendors and two have just left. I saw the victuals and I passed. You can put your boots in the oven, but that won’t make cookies. To me it felt like the place was all hat and no cattle.

It’s time for the “high note” that I said I would return to earlier. Reading this you might rightly be wondering why would I want to do this hike? Well, at this point, I can rightly say it was better than dropping everything. See, that “ruckus” I mentioned at the start was caused by my 7 month old granddaughter. I was able to pick her up every morning and put her on my lap. I could lavish her smile and chat at length with her. In fact, she made more sense than most people I’ve met in the field, as you’ve surely gathered from reading this story. She’s a frog walker at this point and she sure is pure.

That tender foot is back in the East now but, dab it, I already feel like putting on my spurs and heading for the hills.

Jon Kahane lives in Westhampton.

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Newsrust - US Top News: A hike in Texas that's 'better 'n all git out'
A hike in Texas that's 'better 'n all git out'
Newsrust - US Top News
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