A History Lesson in an America Without Critical Race Theory

The year is 2033. A hologram of Donald Trump is President. Republicans control Congress and the White House. The Supreme Court has onl...



The year is 2033. A hologram of Donald Trump is President. Republicans control Congress and the White House. The Supreme Court has only two liberal votes. And it’s now illegal to make a white person even slightly uncomfortable.

After exhausting the Greek alphabet for new variants of COVID-19, a new pandemic dubbed COVID-26 has killed dozens of people around the world. Frustrated that black people can technically still vote (even though it has become nearly impossible), thousands of white people stormed the US Capitol to demand martial law – but only in cities that didn’t vote for Hologram Trump. The military obliged. The campaign to discredit all teachers who talked about racism was very successful, and the real story was banned from all schools in the United States under the auspices of the suppression of critical race theory. The following is an excerpt from a teacher’s brief overview of a US history class in our now CRT-free America.

I am happy to announce, on behalf of kind white parents everywhere, that education in this country is finally back on track. After completely giving up on trying to mitigate COVID-26, teachers and staff members are so grateful to be together, all 62 students per teacher, in comfortable, unmasked and carefree classrooms.

You may have burning questions such as What is critical race theory? And how was it previously taught in kindergartens in our country? Although these are important questions, we will not go into them.

What we will be The address is that across the country, white third-grade students were taught to hate each other because of slavery, even though it was so long ago that literally no one is affected by it today.

But don’t worry: After the Republican governors of Florida and Virginia forbidden critical race theory never having been taught in our schools in 2022, it has spread across the country and now no child anywhere will even have to learn about the transatlantic slave trade. In fact, we can’t even call it a slave trade, so from now on they will be called “dark-skinned low-skilled laborers”.

How did we get here, you ask? In 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic and killings involving officers had convinced some people that America was a racist country. They taught children that the policies and laws that underpin our society were based on racist ideals. Shocking, right? White people, even those who caused no killing, felt personally attacked – so they fought back. They united in their efforts to ban books and fire any educator who dared try to tarnish America’s good name.

Well, now we finally have the likes of Vice President Marjorie Taylor Greene and Senator Candace Owens (their interracial friendship proves racism barely exists) to set the record straight and get our kids back on track. Racism is rare, brief and never systematic; you can’t prove it because you can never know what’s really in a man’s heart.

Before the crackdown on critical race theory, you may have heard that the founding of this country was not on the rise. These people, however, only wanted make white people uncomfortable. The truth is that the founding fathers – who are infallible, by the way – wrote a perfect document. You might be wondering why it has so many amendments if it’s so perfect. And to that I say it was not a very patriotic question.

Who cares if sla – uh, I mean low-skilled workers were only three-fifths of a person? What matters is that that was a very long time ago and their descendants are five-fifths now.

The country only descended into civil war in 1861 because the southern states worried about their economy. You see, these low-skilled laborers were very helpful in making white people rich. And they were fighting for the rights of states! But everything turned out fine in the end because the South lost the war. There was certainly no campaign for overthrow violently all state governments that have attempted to build multiracial democracy in stride. And there were certainly no laws or policies created to prevent low-skilled workers from living as free people and having access to land ownership Where quality education.

In fact, no one really knows how things got so uneven. It certainly wasn’t because of white supremacist policies or racial segregation — that would imply anything divisive or uncomfortable. So we’ll just say these descendants made it to themselves.

OK, maybe there was a tiny bit of racism. But this part of the story has a happy ending! Have you heard of the civil rights movement? In the 1960s, the descendants of these low-skilled workers resented not having the same rights as their light-skinned counterparts. They participated in marches and demonstrations, but really, everyone – especially moderate whites – were on their side.

The most important conclusion of this obviously brief and unfortunate period of racism is that it is over. Martin Luther King Jr, who died young by chance but certainly not because of his skin color or his beliefs, gave a beautiful speech at the Washington Monument. He had a dream that your children would stop being judged for the crime of being white.

Isn’t it beautiful? This single speech singularly ended the very brief racism that the United States has known.

Since then, we have lived in racial harmony. It’s just a coincidence that as soon as a black man was elected president of the United States in 2008, your dear old Uncle Mitchell – who never really cared about politics – started watching Fox News every night and complaining about blacks. After all, Barack Obama was only interested in dividing our country.

And this time your black colleague was late for work because he had to drive 50 miles from home just to vote on Election Day? Well, that was just bad planning on their part. Maybe they should have lived in another neighborhood. And shouldn’t they have been more grateful that they could still vote legally? It probably is won’t stay that way for long.

I know the last Capitol insurrection may have been a bit violent, but let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were fighting for states’ rights. Or maybe it was just economic anxiety.

The bottom line from this lesson is that nothing that happened in the past is relevant to today. I’m only talking about history so you can see how far we’ve come as a country. All the issues these bad teachers were telling kids about — privilege, racism, inequality — were just an attempt to brainwash our kids.

How can white people have privileges if I’ve ever seen a homeless white man and black celebrities have millions of dollars? They claim racism, and yet every February we allow every company to flatter black people about ending racism.

(By the way, if you hear teachers using the word “racism” or “privilege,” be sure to call the National Combating Critical Race Theory information line. do NOT spam it with jokes.)

The most important thing we want to consider when teaching American history to our children is white comfort. Before our new rulers took over, teachers could say hateful things about this country like “it’s a racist trash fire” or “it’s a moldy place that even aliens wouldn’t invade.” But now, thanks to God-fearing, campaign-loving Republicans, our children can stay safe and warm in their cocoons — never forced to question their worldview or even consider for a moment that America is not a sparkling democracy. White parents can sleep soundly at night knowing that their children will never experience the pain of discovering topics that might make them slightly uncomfortable.

When Martin Luther King Jr. dreamed of an America, this is clearly what he imagined.



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Newsrust - US Top News: A History Lesson in an America Without Critical Race Theory
A History Lesson in an America Without Critical Race Theory
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