Martin Luther’s Ninety-five Theses, as E-mailed by Your Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker

Photograph from Getty FROM: Martin.Luther@vatican.org TO: All Vatican Staff Subject: A Quick Note Not to be that guy, and most of t...


Photograph from Getty

FROM: Martin.Luther@vatican.org
TO: All Vatican Staff
Subject: A Quick Note

Not to be that guy, and most of this is totally not a big deal, but I just wanted to take a moment to communicate my disappointment with a few things I’ve noticed occurring at the Church lately. Unless everyone feels differently, I think there may be some stuff we could look into changing around here to make this space a bit better for everyone involved. Again, these are just a couple of thoughts I had, so no pressure at all.

Yours in Christ,

Marty


FROM: Martin.Luther@vatican.org
TO: All Vatican Staff
Subject: Plenary Indulgences

So the whole plenary-indulgence thing is something I’ve been meaning to bring up for a while, and if no one else has an issue with this, I’ll shut up about it, but is this really something we should be doing? Lord knows I’m not perfect, but doesn’t it sort of defeat the purpose of the whole forgiveness-of-sins deal? I mean, I’m no expert on the subject, but I thought the Scripture was pretty clear on this. Can someone back me up here?

Seriously, I don’t mean to be a dick about this, but we might look into changing our policy. I understand wanting to get the new St. Peter’s built, but have we considered having a bake sale? It concerns me that we’re maybe not serving the public by letting the wealthy buy their way into Heaven, but I don’t know.

Best,

Martin


FROM: Martin.Luther@vatican.org
TO: All Vatican Staff
Subject: Re: Plenary Indulgences

While I’m on the subject, maybe we should go over the whole forgiveness-of-sins thing? Last I checked, Jesus hasn’t returned, so I think that falls on us. I mean, God forbid we actually do our jobs, right? LOL JK.

But returning to the subject, repentance shouldn’t be an easy, empty apology. If that were the case, they’d let any schmuck into Heaven, and we’d all be out of work.

Thanks,

Martin


FROM: Martin.Luther@vatican.org
TO: All Vatican Staff
Subject: Good Works

Good works are nice and all, but maybe we’re a little too focussed on them? If I were to, say, kill a bunch of people and then give a few coins to the Church and clean up the mess, I’m sure it would be appreciated, but it doesn’t really change the fact that I killed a bunch of people.

While I’ve got you, we also need to talk about the whole charity thing. I’m looking it over, and it seems like no one is particularly concerned that the aristocracy isn’t giving to the poor. I mean, do we want the masses to view us as a corrupt institution interested solely in consolidating wealth and political power? If that’s what we’re about, let me know, but I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to be in the business of saving souls and helping the poor.

I’m not saying there’s going to be a schism or anything, but I’m not not saying that, either.

Regards,

Martin Luther


FROM: Martin.Luther@vatican.org
TO: All Vatican Staff
Subject: Following Up

Just circling back to suggest that you maybe take a few minutes to ask yourself if you’re a part of the problem? If the answer’s yes, let’s work together to make this a less corrupt Church. I just want us to want to be better, is all.

Sorry if I’m the asshole here.

Martin Luther

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Newsrust: Martin Luther’s Ninety-five Theses, as E-mailed by Your Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker
Martin Luther’s Ninety-five Theses, as E-mailed by Your Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker
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