I told my ex I would never be a swinger. Now he won’t stop texting me | Life and style

Before the lockdown, I had a boyfriend with whom I had been for 16 months. He said he wanted to experiment sexually with another couple...


Before the lockdown, I had a boyfriend with whom I had been for 16 months. He said he wanted to experiment sexually with another couple, which I found shocking. I am not that kind of person, so I broke up with him. Despite the breakup, he is still constantly texting me, even though I stopped texting him a while back and made it clear I don’t want to see him. The situation hurts me so much, and any help you could offer would be much appreciated.

Joining another couple for erotic fun is not uncommon; many people enjoy it. In fact, there are many communities of people who regularly participate in this sexual style. But it is not for everyone, and jealousies and insecurities can arise no matter how sexually open a person is. “Swinging” is advanced sexual play that requires a couple to be well bonded and requires each partner to be psychologically stable as well as sexually mature.

Rules, transparency, careful negotiation and mutual consent are necessary. In your case, you have been quite clear with your boyfriend that this is not at all to your taste. A caring person would have respected that. Unfortunately, he is not taking “no” for an answer and is trying to coerce you into changing your mind.

Although you are feeling hurt right now, it would be best if you followed your intuition and stayed away from him – not because of his particular sexual interests, but because of his insensitivity and bullying. Make sure any future partner is someone who considers that your feelings and values are important.

  • Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

  • If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

  • Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

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Newsrust: I told my ex I would never be a swinger. Now he won’t stop texting me | Life and style
I told my ex I would never be a swinger. Now he won’t stop texting me | Life and style
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