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Why was Katy Perry chosen to be an ambassador for the British Asian Trust? | Music

Name: Katy Perry.

Age: 35.

Occupation: New ambassador of the British Asian Trust.

Oh great, good for her. No, not, “Oh great, good for her”. Let me ask you a question: who is Katy Perry?

She is a singer and television reality show judge. Right. And where is she from?

She was born in Santa Barbara, California. OK. Now, is Santa Barbara in Britain?

No. Follow-up: is Santa Barbara in Asia?

No? Right! Santa Barbara is nowhere near Asia. Now, knowing that Perry is an American woman from Santa Barbara who is neither British or Asian, would you choose her to be an ambassador for an organisation called the British Asian Trust?

This feels like a trap. Is the answer “no”? Yes, the answer is “no”. Nobody in their right mind would look at Perry – a woman who wore a stars and stripes dress to a Hillary Clinton rally and ended her Super Bowl halftime show by shouting: “God bless America” – and think: “There’s a woman who inhabits the values of the British Asian community.” And yet, on Tuesday night, Prince Charles did just that.

Now steady on, Perry has British ancestry. Oh, come on, that hardly counts.

Well, OK, she was married to Russell Brand and is engaged to Orlando Bloom, and they are both British. Oh. good for her. How about I go and have relationships with a load of Belgian people so that I can score a non-executive role with the Union des progressistes juifs de Belgique?

But it’s different with Bloom. She recently told Vogue India that they’re on an ‘“emotional and spiritual journey” together. It’s like “a never-ending cleanse”, she said. So she is in touch with her emotions. If anything that makes her even less British.

Why did Prince Charles ask her, then? According to the speech he gave, it is because Perry has a “long-standing commitment to charitable causes around the world”.

That makes sense. Hardly specific, though, is it? Lots of people have a long-standing commitment to charitable causes around the world. You would hope at least some of them were more British and/or Asian than Perry.

But there are plenty of British Asian ambassadors of the trust. Asad Ahmad, Azhar Mahmood, Nihal Arthanayake, Dr Zaf Iqbal, Gurinder Chadha, Konnie Huq, James Caan … That still makes Perry a weird anomaly.

So what does the British Asian Trust do? It campaigns against child labour in India.

OK, let me get this straight. Prince Charles asked Perry if she would like to join the fight against child labour in India? Yes, that’s right.

And you’re angry at her for saying yes? Well, I mean it isn’t quite as simple as that, but …

Would you say no in her position? Would you say: “No, Prince Charles, you’re fine. I’m actually quite OK with the notion of Indian child labour, all things considered”? No, of course I wouldn’t. What I’m trying to say is the complications of …

You’re a monster. Yes, fine, I’m a monster.

Do say: “Katy Perry is the new ambassador for the British Asian Trust.”

Don’t say: “Presumably Scarlett Johansson was busy.”

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