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Seth Meyers Says the F.B.I. Investigated Kavanaugh ‘With a No-Toothed Comb’

Category: Art & Culture,Arts

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Senate Republicans say they’re satisfied with the F.B.I.’s report on sexual assault allegations against Judge Brett Kavanaugh, the Supreme Court nominee. But the late-night hosts certainly aren’t.

Former classmates and other potential witnesses who may be able to corroborate the accusations say they were not interviewed by the F.B.I. during its last-minute investigation this week. Senate Republicans plan to hold a vote Friday on Kavanaugh’s nomination.

“It’s crazy, this is for a seat on the Supreme Court. You talk to more than nine people when you order a burrito at Chipotle.” — JIMMY FALLON

“They do a more thorough investigation of the contestants on ‘The Bachelor’ than they did for the Supreme Court. I’ve interviewed more people this week than the F.B.I. has.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“They really went over this thing with a no-toothed comb.” — SETH MEYERS

“Republicans seem satisfied. Maine’s Susan Collins says, ‘It appears to be a very thorough investigation.’ No, it doesn’t, Susan! They interviewed nine people over five days. I’ve had more thorough investigations to find my AirPods.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

Seth Meyers said that while the report might seem long, that could be a deception.

“The F.B.I. report detailing its investigation into sexual assault allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was released last night, and is reportedly over 1,000 pages. But only because they had to use a font size that these guys could actually see.” — SETH MEYERS, showing a picture of Senators Orrin Hatch and Charles Grassley

Trevor Noah thinks Kavanaugh’s nomination seems almost sealed, and he’s despondent.

“I’m an optimist, but it doesn’t seem like there’s much anybody can do besides wait and see. We may as well go out and get drunk, like Brett Kavanaugh, and try to forget that this ever happened, like Brett Kavanaugh.” — TREVOR NOAH

Meyers also took a few shots at Hillary and Bill Clinton after a couple of stories about them popped up in the New York news media.

“It was announced today that a play about Hillary Clinton will open on Broadway next year, and if it’s anything like the real Hillary, it’ll run for 30 years and never win anything.” — SETH MEYERS

“That’s right, a new play about Hillary Clinton will open on Broadway next year, and critics are already calling for an investigation.” — SETH MEYERS

“Former President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton were spotted last night here in New York at Christina Aguilera’s concert. Said Bill: ‘Hillary? What are you doing here?’” — SETH MEYERS

“A high school cheerleader in Michigan is being investigated by police officers after allegedly giving out pot brownies in exchange for homecoming queen votes. Finally, someone who can get young people out to the polls.” — JAMES CORDEN

“Amazon C.E.O. Jeff Bezos was No. 1 on Forbes Magazine’s annual list of 400 richest Americans. Bezos said he owes his success to his two best friends, Shipping and Handling.” — SETH MEYERS

Toys “R” Us may be mounting a comeback — but more than one year after it filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, its mascot seems a little worse for wear.

“The Late Show” created a Kavanaugh-themed drinking game. It’s staggeringly simple.


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