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Feeling That Old Urge to Merge, but in a Vertical Way

Category: Business,Finance

I did not hear back for several hours, and figured he had blown me off, as other rich people did — or, at least, their people blew me off. (Tough luck, Dennis Rodman, you don’t know what you’re missing!)

But Mr. Cuban sent me an email. “Wow,” he said. Then he analyzed the deal.

“Well, the first issue is that you have to be able to come up with a lot of cash. Did I say a lot of cash?” He said I’d need so much cash that “you would make me blush.” After all, he’s a billionaire, with a B.

With enough money, he said, “I think we can get the Department of Injustice to approve the merger quickly.”

Man, is everyone political now?

He wasn’t very excited about all the paragraphs I’m able to churn out. “I mean not to be arrogant, but who writes any more. The world is about snaps. Preferably selfies.” And I could not fault his logic.

“I on the other hand am very good at tweeting,” he said. “Not about anything in particular. In fact I spend so much time reading tweets that I don’t have time to do more than retweet.”

And so, he said, “Together we would do nothing.”

Which is, he explained, perfect. “It’s obvious that the stock market would value highly that neither of us is very accomplished at anything.”

On Wall Street, he said, “Doing nothing goes a long way with investors.”

Mr. Cuban explained: “When you do nothing, nothing can go wrong and sell side analysts can talk up your stock and tell the world how management hasn’t done a single thing wrong since they started covering the company.” The stock of our vertical merger “will skyrocket,” he said.


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